Any Suggestions for Indoor Activities in Berlin?

In the two forecasts below, one of these places in the middle of summer. The other is in the middle of winter. 

Glorious Berlin Summer

Rubbish Perth Winter

Vicky and I have some friends visiting from Perth this week. It's been piddling down pretty much the entire time they've been here. I'd like to blame them for the horrid weather, confusing the seasons, especially when last week was a little bit hot and I even wore shorts outside the house for the first time since leaving Dubai in January. I'd just be trying to stop myself from feeling so guilty, however, that their trip has been so disappointing. It's making it really hard to recommend afternoons in Prater, or Mauerpark, or the Tiergarten. Good one, Berlin.

Intermission

Hello again. Sorry, I know it's been a while between decent posts. We had absconded internationally again, visiting Denmark and Sweden. It was tremendous and Copenhagen is truly brilliant - so many bicycles and sexy bicycle legs! Still, it does feel good to be back home in Berlin. 

By the way, we ate very well in Copenhagen, mostly, but it was pretty tough to find vegetarian and gluten-free options. Much, much harder than Berlin, at any rate. (That's not entirely the reason I'm glad to be back but it's a contributor and blog relevant).

In the meantime, while I work up the enthusiasm to write another donuts post, here is a photo of me enjoying a beer on the mean streets of Berlin, just in case you didn't believe me when I wrote about how awesome it was.

Prost!

oh no.

The manchild what scribbles those stupid faces on walls in Prenzlauer Berg must have been given a bicycle for a gift or something. 

I just spotted one of the hideous visages on my lunch break in Kreuzberg.

Fuck. 

Rude Shock, Happy Ending

I didn't buy my usual bargain beers at the weekend just past. Our bags were heavy enough with Vicky's booze (gluten free beers and organic cidre) so I gave our shoulders a break and the beers a miss. It would be okay, I naively thought; I have rum at home.

Well, I finished off the rum on Monday and decided to have an alcohol-free day on Tuesday. What I fool I was. It was a rough day at work, I was home later than I'd hoped and, after I flopped onto the bed, Vicky popped open one of her beers and settled in next to me (we are too povo for a couch). 

I put my shoes back on and trekked five doors down to the Asian mini-mart (note: not open on Sundays) where I was charged the exorbitant sum of €2.40 for two cold beers. Okay, sure, some of that cost is the pfand deposit but I won't be the one to return the bottles. Doing so would rob the neighbour children an income.

My point is: if you're a recovering alcoholic, Berlin may not be the best place to visit. If you're anybody else, it's flipping ace. If you're a small boy, there's money to be made in my building's recycling bin. 

Shopping in Berlin is maximally munted

I don't mean this to come off as a massive whinge. One of the reasons I left Australia (albeit temporarily) was to get away from an endlessly-whining upper middle class complaining that governments weren't giving them enough free money. To turn into one of those horrid, self-entitled arseholes after leaving would make me very, very ashamed. Also, there is an awful lot that I love about Berlin. There's great, big heaving armloads of things to love. Too much for one man to hold in his manly arms!

But seriously, Berlin, shopping here is really fucked.

Famous

The citizens of Berlin have taken Vicky into their hearts.

My friend Wickie

They also seem well aware of her penchant for funny hats. 

:O

In Norway he's know as "Willy".

He's got more names than Santa Claus, this bloke.

wo ist walter

A couple of weeks ago, I posted up a photo of Where's Wally, erm, enthusiasts near Alexanderplatz. My friendly American friend Katie advised that Wally is known as Waldo in America. Although I was originally jiggered if I knew why his name was changed, I have since discovered: he has a different name in Germany too!

Wo ist Walter?

No wonder he's so flipping hard to find all the time, and always trying to lose himself in a crowd. He's an international man of mystery! What do we really know about him, anyway? Certainly not his real name! And that outrageous get-up. He must surely be wearing it just to rile CCTV promoters: he can stand out in a crowd and still not get caught. He even wears that stupid beanie to the beach! Is he some anti-establishment revolutionary, thumbing his nose at the Man and his cameras? If I recall correctly, one of his accomplices is a "wizard". That's certainly shifty. 

Has anybody ever seen him and/or Austin Powers in the same room together at the same time?

wankers

Not only is Berlin a fantastic place to live and be a drunken yob (see the start of this post), it's also really easy to be a self-righteous wanker. I've already recounted our regular trips to Vego Foodworld --- a vegan fast-food paradise where even the potatoes come from "happy farms" --- but check out some of our other grocery-shopping purchases:

You wouldn't believe that people won't believe I'm not from the UK, the US, NZ or, (sometimes, for true) DE

I think that I am going to have to start saying that I am from Oz-tray-ya, so that people will believe it.

Face/off

There is an awful lot to love about Berlin. 

It's the seat of the country's right-wing government, which is refreshingly liberal and thankfully not batshit crazy. Booze is plentiful and affordable and publicly drunk---and the public drunks bother nobody but themselves. I'm pleasantly amazed that in this multicultural international capital city, where unemployment is high and alcohol is cheap and consumed everywhere, children fearlessly walk the streets unaccompanied at 9pm. Unhindered access to grog has not created a den of vice and sin with weekly bashings and race riots. I've never felt safer. City of Perth, please take note.

Vicky and I have taken to strolling the streets with a couple of beers and cigars, plonking down on park benches when we need a rest. People don't look down their noses at us. They ask for directions or advice. 

People do as they like and nobody is unintentionally offended or telephones the fun police.

Similarly, graffiti is everywhere. It must not be illegal or, if it is, it must be on par with jaywalking. If you've followed the blog for a bit, you'll know that often this is really lovely or cute or interesting, and a great sight to liven an otherwise ordinary day.

Sure, a lot of it is also hideous scribbles and tags but there are surprisingly few swears and I have seen only one racist sentiment, and even then it was small (almost ashamed of itself) and written in liquid paper. 

But more than the scrawls or the lone emasculated racist, there's one graffiti gimp that's really shitting me. 

Karneval der Kulturen

Last weekend we experienced Berlin's tremendous Carnival of Cultures. Beforehand, I was told that it involved different cultures in Berlin doing a dance. When asked how many cultures would be involved, a native Berliner answered "all of them". 


"All" of the cultures doing a dance. I didn't expect it would be a fun way to spend a day. Turns out it is blimming fantastic. There is near endless parade of culture, including some of the lesser-seen or never-before-heard-ofs, and stalls offering all manner of tasty delights. If you are in Berlin next year for the carnival, I strongly recommend attending.


Sadly, it was difficult to find vegetarian, gluten-free foods at the stalls. Fortunately, there was plenty of multi-kulti booze.


Here are some of the better photographs.

How does he smell?

PS - We didn't emerge completely unscathed from our party weekend in Hamburg, mysterious sushi shenanigans notwithstanding. Ralf, our hardcore companion suffered from some particularly bad blow and lost his nose.

oh nose!

Luckily, we were able to get it on ice rightaway and, as the German medical system is so good, we expect they'll be able to attach it better than new! ...Once we get around to it.

Glutenfrei, Vego Hamburger?

A couple of weeks ago, Vicky and I went to Hamburg for a long weekend. It was a lot of fun. Hamburg is, after all, a party city. Check it out.

Obvs, we went to the Reeperbahn. You know all about that, I'm sure. A nod's a good as a wink to a blind bat, eh?

ominous clouds in the background, too

And the winner is...

I was going to write something snarky about all the entrants to the last mind-bending riddle being inventive-but-forgetful geniuses, as everybody entered anonymously. This would have made it terribly difficult to correctly award the well-deserved Euro. One anon is like any other, after all.


Fortunately, Chris wrote his name within his anonymous entry, so he wins by default. Clearly the cleverest.


Chris, next time I see you, I have a well-polished Euro with your name on it!*


This, of course, assumes you are a Chris I already know.




*"your name on it" is a metaphor; "well-polished" isn't. 

Another Riddle

The picture below was taken in Rome, not Berlin, but Vicky was eating a gluten-free meal and I was eating a delicious no-cheese, all-mushroom pizza, so it's still blog-relevant. 

While noshing, I was utterly bamboozled as to what the sign could possibly mean. So, I have on offer a carefully hand-selected collectible €1 coin to whomever can best explain it. 

Let's hope we get more than one entrant this time...

no prize if you guess 'stop the Euro going right'

I Like Ice-Cream.

Oh, and I forgot to mention. The dukkah ice-cream is flipping brilliant. You ain't had anything like it: well worth the ongoing embarrassment every time we visit the store.

These ice-creams are actually from the store on the other side of the park with a smaller line, and they are not dukkah flavour  but they are also pretty good

Glutenfrei Cupcakes II: This Time It's Personal

I know, we have already posted about the gluten free cupcakes from Cupcake. The thing is, we ordered those cupcakes as a share of a larger conglomerate, so I couldn't really comment on the whole experience. For Vicky's birthday, however, I placed a special order all by myself and everything was so lovely and delightful that I simply must write again to show you how truly amazing they really are. Also, we gots great pics of this lot.

Wo ist Wally?

Right here, at the convention, planning where to hide next.

They're at a restaurant called "Cheese King"

Start Me Up

Hello,

again my apologies for the length of time in-between posts. I have been working a new job and although it is awesome and precisely what I have always wanted to do, ever since I was a little boy in short pants with a cape, I have also been working preposterously long hours and not been able to make the blogging curfew (aka, my bed-time).

However, it's not all bad news. Allow me to explain. Because it is a bit of a strange thing working for these fledgling Berlin start-up companies and loads and loads of people seem to be flocking here to join in the fun, I thought I would write a list about the best and worst of it for anybody else mulling over the decision.

ROBBER FOX!

Meet Ralf. He was my birthday present from Matt. Apparently, Ralf enjoys off road mountain biking and extreme sports. He is also quite partial to drinking beer at Prater Biergarten.

Ralf is not impressed by the head on this beer.

Bier bei Berlin

The 3 litres of beer below costs me only €2.19 and it was not bad at all.

Goldener Price Prize-winning dirt cheap beer!

Blimey I love it here.


My liver, not so much.

small differences

it has the same number of syllables but I still can't help wondering how they sing the song:

"Können Sie mir sagen, wie man zu Sesamstrasse geht?"

There'll Be a Hot Time in the Town of Berlin

you know, I'm pretty sure weather.com is having me on, here

Senza glutine in Rome

Matt and I went to Rome for Easter. I loved it, but beforehand I was a little depressed at the prospect of surviving on mushroom risotto (I swear that mushroom risotto and spinach and ricotta canelloni are the only vegetarian dishes Italian restaurants ever serve) and these crackers:

I don't think you should actually keep these in your pocket.

finally

It is about mother flipping time. We are two-thirds through spring and here is the first real run of warmish weather. In other news, I hear it is rainy in Perth today. It's almost as if we've swapped weathers. I'm pleased.

I think Vicky and I will get some takeaway margaritas, some beers, some icecream and sit in the sun. We might also play public ping-pong. Oh yeah, it's a thing here.

I'm in a jolly good mood. 

alles gute zum Geburtstag!

As you may or may not have been aware, it was my birthday not too long ago. I spent it in Rome and had a really cracking time. I won't go into that too much because this is a blog about Berlin, not Rome, although I freely admit that the rules about what I'm going to post are pretty much non-existent and ever in flux depending on my whims. Anyway, this intro is here to lead into the next bit, which is the awesome birthday surprise Vicky had waiting for me on our return home:

German mysteries

Some things about Germany are very strange. This is one of those things. Below is a photo of two different kinds of Colgate toothpaste. 

Which is the more totally complete? Komplett, ultra weiss or Total Whitening, komplett-schutz?

Put your answers - which and why -  to this most confounding of riddles into the comments box and Vicky and I will select the winner in a highly-rigourous systematic evaluation. The winner will get a tube of the supreme paste to call their very own.*

Zahncremes

If that mystery is beyond you, you can participate in the back-up version: which toothpaste did I buy, and which did Vicky buy? No prizes for that one. It's dead obvious. 


*tube not suitable for framing.

we are back

Hello. I am sorry that it has been a long time between blogs. We have been exceptionally busy and, as I am a lazy so-and-so, this was also the perfect excuse to slack off from writing. On the plus side, the last few weeks have been marmalade-packed with trips abroad, birthdays, gluten-free successes and humourous sightings galore, so we should have plenty of pent-up posts to put up for perusal very promptly. After that, we will return to the regularly-scheduled intermittent postings.

And yes, although we have been back for nearly a week now and been blogless, well, I had to put the following lego together. I have priorities.

pew pew!

Rad

You may recall my extreme delight at cycling the streets of Berlin on Bessy, my rusty velocipede, despite her many failings.

Well, sadly, Bessy wore out her novelty faster that I thought possible. I'm a pretty patient fellow and easygoing (or lazy) enough to put up with a lot of faults. However, in this case, it all became too much. She had to be put out of my misery. 

Doppelgänger

Do you ever wonder what happened to Pauline Hanson? I sure don't, so you can imagine my surprise to come across the following poster and discover that she's moved to Germany to moonlight as a cabaret singer with the clever pseudonym of 'Gayle Tufts'.

Some like it Hot! Others pray to god that it won't be.

If she's expecting Berlin to be a hotbed of ignorant racial prejudice and discriminatory immigration policies, she's 70 years too late.

wunderbar

Yes, it's a thing. How could it not be?

and yes, it is perched on my sexy thigh.

It contains traces of gluten, though, even though there's no need for it to, so it's not really a wunderbar wunderbar.

Getting More Bäre

I am sure that you have all been waiting breathlessly for the next installment of Berlin Bear discoveries. Well, you may now slide back from the edges of your seats, exhale in relief and gaze in wonder as I present the Next Few Bears What I Have Come Across While Walking About The Place.

First up we have this wholly blue chap outside the Deutsche Bank on Freidrichstraße. I assume he is the Bank's bear because he is the same colour as their logo. Also, he is pretty boring. 

typical bank bear: hollow, soulless eyes

Even the Berlin Beer has a Bear on it

same upright arms, too

Das Brot

Yep, sure, I know - it's a bit odd doing a post about bread on a blog that has the word 'glutenfrei' in its title, even if that word is in parenthesis. Nevertheless, I press on, because it's (half) my blog and I find it mildly interesting. So, I present to you, with nary a flourish, my List of Things about Bread in Germany that I Find Mildly Interesting, Certainly Interesting Enough, at least, to Ponder Over, Wistfully Perhaps, While I Sip my Soy-Chunk Coffee in the One-Room Apartment I Call Home while Alone and Unemployed on a Tuesday. 

Not all Street Art is Un-Horrific

Most of the time in Berlin, happening across street art brings a delightful smile to the viewer's face and brightens the day. Whether it's gigantic rats climbing a coffee-shop wall, a monster made of streamers nearby a primary school, or one of a legion of differently-painted bears, whimsy is never far away.

Some other times, it's less whim and more wham. And not the fun, gay, prancing Wham! - this is the smack-to-the-face kind. 

Nothing illustrates 'love art hate cops' like strung-up game.

Bad start to the (ice cream) season

You may recall that I was a little bit giddy at the prospect of ice-cream season in Berlin. The season kicked off yesterday, so of course Vicky and I were down there that evening. 

It didn't go as well as planned.

Everything's coming up Mülhaus!

up Mülhauser Street

Vego Foodworld

I feel a bit guilty for my post slagging off Germany for doing spicy food so poorly. I stand by it, proudly pointing at its impressive accuracy, but I still feel a bit bad. This may be due to the next post I'll write about Asian food in Berlin in general - hoo boy will that be a corker! - and the potential overall impression that food in Germany sucks noodles (which is what they call pasta, but that's another rant). 

Please allow me to rectify.

Here is a glutenfrei donut

As mentioned, the weather in Berlin in the weekend just past was superb. Vicky and I decided to celebrate by heading out to West Berlin, buying a fancy picnic lunch at KaDeWe and eating a fancy picnic lunch in the Tiergarten.

Now, get ready to rub your eyes in disbelief because we also discovered a glutenfrei Berliner to eat for dessert.

Viva la revolucion! (of the Earth around the Sun)

This weekend in Berlin the weather was eerily similar to a Perth winter. The temperature hovered around 20˚C and Berliners flocked to the sunny parts of the streets. However, as chuffed as Vicky and I were to get out in the sunshine and get some (much needed) Vitamin D, we also didn't fancy cramming ourselves alongside hundreds of Germans on popular outdoor seating, nor wait in the mind-boggling-ly long line for ice-cream (out of season!). How could we, too, enjoy this wonderful turn in the season?

Luckily, Maria Bonita came to our rescue. She sells take-away margaritas. We were able to get a couple and stroll around P-Berg in shirtsleeves and comfort. 

salt-encrusted rim and all

It was spectacular.  Saturday was the warmest day in Berlin for over one hundred years. I enjoyed my first iced-drink on the streets. Thank you, global warming conspiracy!

Catch this Cab? Only for unfulfilled thrills.

Not too long ago, when I was still young, Vicky and I were strolling through Kaiser's supermarket. (Yes, we shop like kings, dammit, like KINGS!). A few shops prior to that, we were also strolling through the aisles at Kaiser's when the following caught my eye:

Stop Homo Trans Phobia

ice-cream season

Berlin has an ice-cream season! 

Strutting down the street yesterday, I very happily chanced across the following sign:

On 22 March the Ice-Cream Season starts! Also, you may be pampered from 1-7pm

As a keen aficionado of sweet dairy treats, this sign initially had me beaming. Soon after, however - may 5-6 steps further away - I had to stop and think about it a little bit more, finger to my lips. I've been eating ice-cream already. Out of Season. 

Octuple X

This is a truly-ruly sign outside a menswear store. I know the stereotypical German is a jolly portly fellow in ill-fitting britches but how can a store survive specialising only in sizes extra-extra large to extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra large? 

Surely if you're large enough to wear octuple-extra large, you: 

• Probably shouldn't be able to leave the house via conventional means.
• Might as well just wrap yourself in a bedsheet and be done with it.
• Shop over the internet. For everything. 

On the other hand, it might be some kinky German sex thing I don't understand - yet. Could I handle octuple-x-rated? Stay tuned to find out!

Or feel free to log off, really; just be sure to come back. Thanks.

Bärlin

For some reason that nobody knows, the animal symbol of Berlin is a bear. Perhaps it is because Berliners, just like bears, are often portrayed as cute, cuddly, bumbling, loveable and overweight stereotypes on the television, always getting into all manner of comical strife. I have also discovered that the locals like to cook breakfast (porridge of variable temperatures) and then abandon it uneaten in favour of a walk in the woods instead. Crazy mofos. 

And Berliners, just like bears, can also be incredibly vicious when provoked and swat your head clean off with just one swipe of their gigantic, clawed paws. 

HEAD SHOP

Head Shop

Unfortunately, I think it's just a low budget or lazy hairdressers'. They'll probably be a bit miffed if you just walk in and ask for head, shrunken or otherwise. 

Fahrschule

Those of you who remember my cycling post about the courteousness of Berlin drivers may find your jaws dropping at the following advertisement, just as mine did:

Bogan Driving School

Yes, it would seem that Berlin has a driving school for bogans. Considering how few numbskulls are on the road doing boglaps in lowered HSVs, and how few sheepskin steering wheel covers I have seen, I don't think they have a very good pass rate.

Spring - Sprung

It's March in Berlin and Spring has definitely arrived on schedule. The bare sticks outside our apartment window are sprouting green knobs

I still shake a bit from the cold, though, so apologies for the blur

Mia Morr is Funkyrotic

No idea who she is but I'd like to meet her.

more street art

Sunday began with brunch at St Gaudy Cafe, then a long walk in the sunshine.

Hi guys.

Chilly Chilli

For a country with such a cold, grey climate, Germany does hot/spicy food surprisingly poorly. Rather than attempting to whisk away the winter blues with a lovely, warming curry that'll set your mouth on fire and run rockets down your gullet, the Germans appear to prefer sipping on lukewarm mush that matches the dreary sky above.

While Vicky and I have struggled in vain to find a decent spicy meal, no experience has so disappointed us as our evening eating 'hot chili' cornchips with a 'hot' salsa dip.

hamburger bahnhof: cool art

A few weekends ago, we went to the Hamburger Bahnhof, an art gallery inside what used to be a train station. Check out our photos of one of the exhibits.

East Berlin fashion outlet

Where it's hip to be poor:

Glutenfrei Beer: Liebharts Bio Reisbier

In Berlin, there is more than one type of glutenfrei beer. Even better, none of these beers cost $10 a bottle. Yay! I've tried a couple since we arrived in Berlin, but this is the first one that I bothered photographing.

Up until arriving in Berlin, I hadn't had beer in about 2 years, so I can't really give this one a proper review. But, it wasn't totally gross, AND it cost me less than 2 euros for a 500ml bottle. Winning!

Mmm... sacrilicious

yes, "Christburger Street"

This street sign made me smile but I didn't think to photograph it until Vicky called it sacrilicious. Christ, I love her.

Adventures in the spin trade

Berlin is tremendous for cycling. Being a keen cyclist, this makes me glad. Not only do I save billions of money on public transport fees, I get to appreciate a lot more of the city and simply feel a whole lot better about this 'living' caper.

Ernest Hemingway agrees with me, so you'd better toe the line. Would you argue with Ernest Hemingway? No, 'cause he'd punch you in the mouth and then write about it and the rest of the world would know that you were the arsehole of the story. Get on your bikes!

However, it's not all breadbaskets and roses. The unaware may run into some pitfalls (even literally). So, I will share some tips with you, both graphical and lexical, so that you, too, may appreciate the fabulous joy that is riding in Berlin. 

Almondy!

Glutenfrei chocolatey deliciousness.

In a supermarket freezer near you...if you live in Berlin.

Keep your eyes open.

I love all the street art in Berlin.

I wish Dome looked like this.

shit just got real

also a little bit sad that I'm not "Matthew Citizen" on this too

Glutenfrei cupcakes

OMFG! Glutenfrei cupcakes from Cupcake, in Friedrichshain. They're made to order, so unfortunately I can't just buy one when when I feel like eating a giant, delicious cupcake. But that's ok. 

 

also beer update

So it turns out the reason that the children's beer is so awful is because it is supposed to have a shot of woodruff or 'small schnapps glass of raspberry syrup' added per bottle. 

Nutella update

Can't take her anywhere... on the very same day that Vicky first opened her giant barrel of Nutella, she's smoodged it on the lid. 

Seriously - Day 1

German Precision

Matthew "Citizen" Richardson

When Vicky and I registered our residence in Berlin, as all tax-paying Germans must do, the woman working at das Bürgeramt manged to mix up the two lines on my passport for 'name' and 'citizenship'. Luckily I think I am still accepted as a British citizen, not a British Ian.

This isn't meant to slag off the kindly Bürgeramt arbeiterin. She was incredibly patient with my bumbling German and exceedingly helpful, considering. I doff my hat to her. The blame lies entirely with me. When she showed us the completed form, after our interview, and asked if it was all correct, I was too busy ensuring she hadn't listed any religion for us, rather than checking my actual flipping name. 

Why snow is sometimes quite nice.

Most of the time, I don't really like snow. It gets stuck in the soles of my shoes and then whenever I go inside, I leave dirty, wet footprints everywhere as I melt all over the floor. This can be really embarrassing, and sometimes, very hip-looking Germans point and laugh (true story).

But, snow is lovely when it's clean, fresh and nowhere near my boots.

Berlin, the gay-friendliest capital.

In the treats aisle of your local supermarket:

Super Dickmann's are super big with crispy chocolate

Not just any kind of Dickmann's, mind. Super Dickmann's.


Also, I shit you not, 'Prall' translates to 'firm', 'bulging', 'swollen' or 'chubby'. Who says Germans don't have a sense of humour?

NUTELLAAAAAA!

When I saw this at the supermarket, I just had to have it. 

1.4 kg of Nutella for €5.99. The jar is as big as my face.